The Saint Joel Hodgson Church of MST3K

A place to meet and enjoy the love that Saint Joel Hodgson and his offspring, Mystery Science Theater 3000, have brought to all of us personally. Bring your friends. Come for the eternal damnation, stay for the pie.

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Location: Graceville, Minnesota, United States

I am the founder of the Saint Joel Hodgson Church of MST3K. It is totally my own creation and does not represent the views of Joel Hodgson, Best Brains Incorporated, or anyone involved with the show in any way. We are NOT a cult. There are no loyalty oaths, secret handshakes, or virgin blood sacrifices. At NO time will I EVER ask ANY of you for money. Tape traders are more than welcome.

Friday, December 23, 2005

Today's Reading: #521 - "Santa Claus"

Premiere Oration: Christmas Eve of Nineteenninetythree! (Happy 12th Anniversary, Scripture!)

Opening Prayer: In a caroling attempt, Mike inadvertantly burns Crow with scalding hot cocoa. (Crow's eyes fall out of his head and land PERECTLY on the bride deck!)

First Reading: Present time on the SOL and Deep 13! TV's Frank shaves his head and buys Dr F. a watch fob. (He didn't sell his hair, he just shaved it for some reason.) Mike gives Crow a Steve Alaimo album [You may remember him as the Superwimp "hero"/singer from Scripture #207 - "WIld Rebels"], Crow gives Servo the 1991 Drug IV Handbook, which Servo LOVES (WHY?), Gypsy knitted Mike a "Joike" sweater, Servo gave Gypsy some underwear in a candy cane, and of course, Crow got Servo a dreidel!

Second Reading: Rock band Santa Klaws performs "Whispering Christmas Warrior". Nice flashpots.

Third Reading: The bots arrange a Nelson family reunion. It's A Nelson, but not THE Nelsons. Love the Motley Crue T-Shirt.

Fourth Reading: It's the all-inclusive politically correct holiday song: "Merry Christmas...If That's Okay". [I stole this song for a 9th grade holiday poem writing assignment, got an A. I'm sorry, BBI!]

Closing Prayer: A Christmas miracle! Snow outside the SOL! Pitch pays a visit to Deep 13 (LEading to Mike Nelson's favorite MST3K line "More pie, Man-Goat?), then Santa shows up, and he and Pitch fight! (The line "I came to eat candy canes and kick ass! And I'm all out of candy canes!" Is an altered lift of the Roddy Piper line "I came to kick some ass and chew some gum, and I'm all out of gum!" from "They Live".)

Recessional: Creepy laughing wind-up reindeer creep us all out!

Consider This: For whatever reason, this IS my favorite MST Scripture of all time. I can watch it again and again, even in the middle of July! The movie itself is just insane enough to work on its own merits, and Mike and the Bots offer great riffs with almost no klunkers. Merry Christmas, everyone!

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Today's Reading: #501 - "Warrior of the Lost World"

Premiere Oration: The twentyfourth of July, nineteenhundredninetythree


Opening Prayer: Servo's dons a tux and prepares to give a formal welcome, but Oh, that wacky Crow! He steals bits of Servo's speech and keeps distracting Tom. Tom flips, and makes Crow literally eat his speech.


First Reading:
Invention exchange:
The Mads: The square master, an exerciser that harnesses the power of the square! Nice push-ups, Frank!
Saint Joel: Bittersweet hearts, with such sentiments as: "Still Mad" "You'll Do" "Bite Me" "My Needs" and "It's Blue"!


Second Reading: Hot slot bots! Crow's having a ball, but Servo's car just won't go. Servo's car suddenly starts, but he bails out on the jump. Too bad, he really wanted to go 400 square miles and hour!


Third Reading: Saint Joel is "The Paper Chase Guy", trying to get his driving permit in a post-apocalyptic world. Servo's your piano man and Dickey, Crow's the Mom, and Gypsy's wondering where Saint Joel's super-charged cycle is. It all just kinda stops, and in the theater, they all agree they should've wrote an ending.


Fourth Reading: Saint Joel and the Bots discuss what they'd do after the apocalypse. Featuring my favorite Saint Joel line EVER:

Saint Joel: I'd walk around totally naked, holding a "BIG GULP" Terminator 2 glass!
Crow: I could see ya doin' that!


Closing Prayer: Phone call from Megaweapon, a letter write had Hy-Vee make an MST-themed cake for his borther, Tom sings the address, and the Mads go square dancing.


Stinger: The Paper Chase Guy eyeballs Persis Khambatta.


Consider This: Another one of my favorite readings. A great movie for Saint Joel and the Bots, its got lots of cheezy action, special effects, and cornball dialog just ripe for riffing. This one also features the infamous movie sequence where Servo riffs on EVERY SINGLE PERSON sitting in the rafters. Rights issues will probably keep this one from ever getting a Rhino release, and that's a damn shame!

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Today's Reading: #212 - "Godzilla vs Megalon"

Premiere Oration: The Nineteethn of January, Nineteenhundredninetyone

Opening Prayer: Saint Joel & the bots host a morning magazine show....NOT! (Saint Joel actually took some time out between the KTMA and Comedy Channel eras to co-host a mock-morning show called "Seriously Weird". Worth tracking down!)

First Reading: Invention exchange: Saint Joel and the Mads present easy-to-make Halloween costumes. Crow's the floor of a movie theater, Tom's a Missing Child, and Saint Joel is Jiffy-Pop Popcorn (Saint Joel showed us how to make these on "Seriously Weird", as well. For years, I remember seeing someone do those before, and now I remember where!) Dr F is a goalie on a foosball table, and TV's Frank is Geordi LaForge.

TV's Frank: Kids, don't forget to read "Godzilla vs. the Velveteen Rabbit"!

Second Reading: To distract Saint Joel from the fact they're looking at dirty pictures, Crow and Tom claim they're designing monsters. Tom's monster wins, but I've always liked that Crow's monster had an elf living in its head.

Third Reading: Saint Joel and the Bots present: "Rex Dart, Eskimo Spy." [A Quinn Martin Production?]

Fourth Reading: Orville Popcorn and Son are in a popcorn commercial that quickly delves into personal attacks and hurt feelings. Director Saint Joel reminds them its only 30 seconds long and they really should mention the product more.

Closing Prayer: Saint Joel gives Crow and Tom new arms, the Jet Jaguar fight song is translated, and Frank's pissed cuz the Goomba killed his Mario.

Recessional: Godzilla takes to the ocean like a teenager.

Consider This:
This was the first Scripture Reading I ever saw, and it remains one of my favorites. Great riffing, hilarious Readings, it imparted in my head "This is a show I'm going to like." And I still do.

Friday, December 02, 2005

Today's Reading: #102 - "The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy" {with the epistle "Commando Cody & the Radar Men From the Moon--Episode 1"}

Premiere Oration: Sometime in December of Nineteeneightynine.

Opening Prayer: Invention exchange: Saint Joel:The airbag helmet (Lifted directly from Saint Joel's Stage Sermons) The Mads: The chalkman, a record player with a human hand with real human fingernails that scratches on a real chalkboard [Side "B" works the best.] Dr. F also has Larry test Deep 13's new security system, one of those logs on ropes that bean the fellow in the noggin. Dr. F gets a bump of it, as well.

First Reading: Demon dogs attack! Tom takes them on, but the beings simply "disgrace themselves" upon him. Apparently, Demon Dogs expel their wastes like silly string. It also doesn't help that Saint Joel admits he modeled Tom after a fire hydrant.

Second Reading: Enoch, the demon dog king, (voiced by Jim Mallon, who's barely comprehensible over all the noise the puppet's mouth makes) tries to tell Saint Joel how to expel the demon dogs from the ship, but before he can, Gypsy eats him [A Saint Joel follower would bring this up years later in an epistle read in Scripture #311 - "It Conquered the World" (with the epistle "Snow Thrills")].

Third Reading: Crow's attempt to impersonate Enoch results in more silly string waste expulsion.

Closing Prayer: Joel's tricks the demon dogs off the ship by throwing a ball-shaped piece of space equipment. But as Tom points out "Doesn't fetch mean go get...and BRING BACK!?" For reasons unexplained, the Mads' heads are wrapped in bandages. [This is the sort of physical nonsequiter that "BOB!" finds most enjoyable!]

Consider This: The "demon dogs" in this Scripture were made out of a "Masters of the Universe" toy called "Battle Bones," painted red and black with construction paper ears. The Battle Bones toy itself was used to store your He-Man figures by snapping their necks into the round tabs in the ribcage. VERY lucky MSTies from back in the day had the chance to BUY their very own Demon Dog for a cool 25 bucks! This scripture is also historic as Mike Nelson revealed years later that it was the first and only time they were forced to take Tequila shots to make their way through the writing of the riffs. This may explain a set of jokes that broke the show's convention and in one case, good taste factor. One featured Saint Joel holding his hand up to the mouth of a singing lady, resulting in the soundtrack being repressed. The other..well there's no nice way to say it.. featured the sound of men urinating during a shot of a group of men with their backs to the camera. They even included the sounds of flies being zipped up afterward! All in all, a show with amusing Readings and less-than-stellar riffing, but dammit, at least they *TRIED*!