The Saint Joel Hodgson Church of MST3K

A place to meet and enjoy the love that Saint Joel Hodgson and his offspring, Mystery Science Theater 3000, have brought to all of us personally. Bring your friends. Come for the eternal damnation, stay for the pie.

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Location: Graceville, Minnesota, United States

I am the founder of the Saint Joel Hodgson Church of MST3K. It is totally my own creation and does not represent the views of Joel Hodgson, Best Brains Incorporated, or anyone involved with the show in any way. We are NOT a cult. There are no loyalty oaths, secret handshakes, or virgin blood sacrifices. At NO time will I EVER ask ANY of you for money. Tape traders are more than welcome.

Sunday, January 16, 2005

Today's Reading: #704 - The Incredible Melting Man

Premiere Oration: The Twentyfourth of February, Nineteenhundredninetysix

Opening Prayer: Playing a little hardball on the SOL.

First Reading: Crow's "Earth vs. Soup" screenplay is being made into a movie, with Dr. F. and Pearl in charge. Out of the $7 million budget, crow gets $800 to shoot it.

Second Reading: Dr. F. and Pearl hop aboard the SOL for a script conference, which goes nowhere.

Third Reading: Crow plays pretentious director, Mike is Kevin Bacon, and Gypsy is Sweet Marie. Before Mike can get half a sentence out, it's a wrap!

Fourth Reading: Dr. F. is the leader of a focus group. While some liked the plot, others found it too short. Gary would rather have a sandwich, HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Closing prayer: Crow's movie is going to be released!...as a trailer, with his name off it. Dr. F. drinks a LOT of water.

Recessional: Horny old lady: "Let's get the hell out of here!"

Consider This: The Readings of this scripture reflect the feelings that BBI went through while trying to get Mystery Science Theater 3000 on the big screen. Simply put, BBI made MST3K one way, and the studio wanted them to make it another way, and any other way is the WRONG way! The studio wanted to give MST3K universal appeal (no pun intended), but what the studio fails to see is that, hard as it may be to believe, MST3K does NOT appeal to everybody, and if you try to make it to appeal to everybody, all you do is alienate those who were appealed to it in the first place! The 14-year-old Valley Girl will not like MST3K, and there's nothing you can do to it to make her like it! It gets me all pissed off just thinking about it all, so I'll end the lesson here.

Saturday, January 15, 2005

Today's Reading: #604 - Zombie Nightmare

Premiere Oration: The Twentyfourth of November, Nineteenhundredninetyfour

Opening Prayer: Crow and Tom play Secret Service agents for Mike (Servo's head falls off yet again, and they keep the shot.)

First Reading: The Mads send a voodoo kit to Mike and the Bots. They decide to use voodoo for good, and give Jimmy Carter a hug and Cokie Roberts a VERY stimulating scalp massage. Then they make Dr. Forrester pee his pants.

Second Reading: Crow is reading & eating chocolates when Tom runs him down with the car he got from present time in Scripture #407 - The Killer Shrews!

Third Reading: Crow and Tom are enjoying a hot tub, when Crow feels a tickle.
Crow: Tom, stop that you nutty-nut-nut!
Turns out it's Mike spear fishing.

Fourth Reading: Tom and Mike are ready to perform Crow's "Batman" screenplay, but Crow forgot to tell them that he "dropped that stinkburger months ago!" Check out Mike's Robin costume with a Lone Ranger mask and kitchen gloves.

Closing Prayer: Letters fto Adam West:
Crow: I really like that thing you did that was good. It's kinda neat when I see you in stuff. Do you feel pretty crappy now that "Danger Theater" and "Last precinct" have been cancelled? I'm sending you all my allowance, please don't buy beer with it, ha-ha! Your pal, Crow.
Gypsy: I really liked you when you were a caped crusader,
Way more than even Darth Vader!
You once were the best,
But now you're like all the rest,
That's all, so see you later!
Meanwhile, Frank has turned Dr. F. into a zombie! At first he tries to reverse it, but then realizes it's a pretty good deal!

Recessional: Zombie slowly gets up, shakes off the cobwebs, then screams.

Consider This: This episode was kept off TV while it made the rounds at college campuses during the fall of '94 as part of Comedy Central's "Fresh Cheese" tour. It was finally shown on Turkey Day '94, hosted by Adam West. As a genre picture, Zombie Nightmare is really not that bad! It's got a kickin' soundtrack, some great plot twists, and Adam West does a respectable job. In the hands of other people, it could of been better, but in the hands of, say, Larry Buchanen (R.I.P.), it could of been much worse. That's my story and I'm stickin' to it!

Friday, January 14, 2005

Today's Reading: #307 - Daddy-O [with the epistle "Alphabet Antics"]

Peremiere Oration: The Twentieth of July, Nineteenhundredninetyone

Opening Prayer: It's another Monday morning at Sat'-O-love Industries. Saint Joel and the Bots hang around the water cooler ogling Gypsy AND Magic Voice.

First Reading:
Invention exchange:
The Mads: Alien teething nook [Trace had a heck of a time remembering the name of said prop, see MST POOPIE!]
Saint Joel: Air Freshener Mobile [Servo: WHAT THE HELL IS CHECHER?]

Second Reading:
Hymn: "The Pants Up Song!" (to the tune of "Rock Candy, Baby!)
Saint Joel: Hike up your pants till you see your shins,
Wear an Izod shirt like a 2nd skin,
Make sure you wear your belt buckle to the side,
Hike up your pants, take your butt cheeks for a ride!

Third Reading: Servo and Crow do some drag racing! [Saint Joel is in top form here, playing a grocery shopper, old man, AND a pizza delivery boy!]

Fourth Reading: Saint Joel's spit-take lesson, The "I need your locker key, Buddy! Gym policy." idiot from the movie keeps barging in on the Hexfield. Servo shows off his model Pegasus, which is a cow.

Closing Prayer "Want some?" (slap, bam, thump) "I want an answer!". The button keeps malfunctioning down at Deep 13.

Recessional: "Couldn't help ya if I wanted to, fella. Gym policy."

Consider This: What IS the deal with Dick Contino's pants? I mean, really? WHAT?

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Today's Reading: #110 - Robot Holocaust [with the epistle "Commando Cody and the Radar Men From the Moon: Chapter Nine (partial)]

Premiere Oration: Sometime in January of Nineteenninety.

Opening Prayer: Saint Joel sings the Human Blues.

First Reading:
Invention exchange:
Saint Joel:Nitro burning funny pipe. [sunday, Sunday, SUNDAY!]
The Mads: Stocking mask with articulated eyebrows.

Second Reading: Crow and Tom, in the "We Zone," make Saint Joel do tricks.
Servo: Do Goofus Face for us!
Crow: Yeah! Crazy Duck Face!....AAAAGH! NOT THE EYELIDS!
(Check out Saint Joel's awesome handstand, too!)

Third Reading: Crow & Servo put on a sitcom, but Cambot's laugh track simulator malfunctions.
Servo: I've got a date with the McGuffy triplets!
Crow: Well, you better bring a calculator!
Servo: Or an abacus!
Crow: An abacus?
Servo: One of them is Chinese!

Fourth Reading: Saint Joel &The Bots play Robot Holocaust. Saint Joel & Crow quit halfway through after finding out the costumes Servo made for them are real fur.

Closing Prayer: Saint Joel announces the "Name the Plant Guy in the Movie Contest". Some suggested names: A Man from P.R.O.D.U.C.E., Guacamole Wilson, and Carl.

Consider This:
It amazes me how often it's overlooked that this is actually the most recent scripture Saint Joel and the Bots ever did, in terms of movie production to scripture reading. Made in late 1987, Saint Joel and the Bots took a crack at it in Early 1990, just over 2 years later! However, the most "recent" movie the show ever did was "Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders" from 1996, yet that scripture did not air until mid-2000, and that movie itself contained a bit of unfinished movie from the early '80s! So there you go, THIS was the most recent movie Saint Joel and the Bots ever did! Deal with it, pink boy!

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Today's Reading: K16 - City on Fire

Premiere Oration: The Nineteenth of March, Nineteenhundredeightynine

Opening Prayer: The Mads lose their funding, since they've been reclassified from "mad scientists" to "mildly peeved researchers."

First: Saint Joel into looks into trick telescope, giving him a black eye.
Servo: Hey, Joel! Did anyone ever tell you you look like Petey from "Our Gang"?

Second Reading: Saint Joel shows off his "Hell in a Hand Bag.", which became his invention exchange in Scripture #103 - "Mad Monster".

Third Reading: Saint Joel and the Bots perform their own military march. This is one of the most recognized readings to those unfamiliar with The oldest Testament, as it was on both the MST3K Scrapbook tape, and the Penn Jillette-hosted special "This is MST 3K."

Closing Prayer: Gypsy's been hard at work putting together the MST3K Fan Club Kit, which includes: the Satellite News (Formerly The Binding Polymer), A suitable-for-framing Fan Club Certificate (Gypsy: How come I'm not on it? Saint Joel: Because you drew it!), and a Fan Club Membership Card.

Consider this: It's hard to argue with people who find Josh Weinstein's Dr. Erhardt character "annoying", but it's harder to completely discount Josh's role as the voice of Servo. Many find his deep dynamic "mighty voice" and gift for improv easily on the same footing as Kevin's. This scripture features some of the finest Oldest Testament-era riffing, with a majority of the movie segments on their original pitch tape to The Comedy Channel coming from this scripture.


Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Today's Reading: #1001 - Soultaker

Premiere Oration: The Eleventh of April, Nineteenhundredninetynine

Opening Prayer: The bots hold a wet t-shirt contest: while Crow's Beefy-T soaked up more water, Servo's BVD Crew-Neck absorbed faster with less drippage.

First Reading: Things keep malfunctioning on the SOL, Pearl and company don't care.

Second Reading: Gypsy is malfunctioning, so Mike takes command, but messes everything up as usual.

Third Reading: The SOL plunges toward the earth, but are saved by a beam from a mysterious ship. Meanwhile, a soultaker has appeared at Castle Forrester--and it's TV'S FRANK!
Pearl: Frank! I thought you were dead.
TV's Frank: I am dead. I was in 2nd Banana Heaven for a while, but it's SO political up there! Pat Buttram had it in for me from the start!

Fourth Reading: SAINT JOEL IS BACK!!!!! Saint Joel manages the Hot Fish Shop in Osseo now, making Mike instantly jealous.

Closing Prayer: Saint Joel finishes repairs on the SOL, says Hello to Frank, and leaves Mike and the Bots feeling good about being stuck in space. In Castle Forrester, Frank takes Bobo's soul, and they play ring toss with it.

Recessional: Joe Estevez disguised as Mom ogles her daughter. That's just wrong!

Consider This: This scripture marks the triumphant return of Saint Joel to the SOL, if even for just a couple of host segments. Enjoy it while you can!

Monday, January 10, 2005

Today's Reading - #705 Escape 2000 [a.k.a. Escape From the Bronx]

Premiere Oration: The Second of March, Nineteenhundredninetysix

Opening Prayer: Crow's charity auction. Only bid is 75 cents for a dollar.

First Reading: Crow starts a fire while burning an ant next to his oily rag collection. Dr. F. puts Pearl in a "home", in the middle of the lab.
Pearl: Clayton, Clayton! I'm hungry!
Dr. F.: I'm hungry! I'm tired! It never ends!

Second Reading: Crow tries bio-feedback, starting another fire. [The biofeedback prop in this reading was used as an electroshock therapy device in the Scripture Bulletin {promo} for this show.]

Third Reading: Men's night on the SOL. Steak, smokes, and cards abound.

Fourth Reading: Dr. F. introduces Timmy Bobby Rusty: unfortunately, TBR doesn't raise the ratings "one scintilla".

Closing Prayer: A helicopter air-drops Servo, "Toblerone" arrives at Deep 13 and releases Pearl from her shackles.

Recessional: "Toblerone": "PTOO!" "HA, HA, HA!"

Consider This: I want to thank my e-mail pal Brian Random for pointing out that "Toblerone" is NOT "Toblerone"'s real name. "Toblerone"'s real name?:
....wait for it...
DABLONE!
Are you freaked out yet?
This was the 2nd to last scripture reading of the Comedy Central era, with Pearl's liberation the catharsis for the SOL's disconnection from earth's orbit.

Sunday, January 09, 2005

Today's Reading: #514 - "Teenage Strangler" with the epistle "Is This Love?"

Premiere Oration: The Seventh of November, Nineteenhundredninetythree
Opening Prayer: Mike tries to phone his grandma, but only gets her answering machine.
First Reading:
Invention exchange:
The Mads: The Frank-n-Forcer: Keeps TV's Frank floating in limbo with spikes on the bottom.
Mike and the Bots: The Waiter-Baiter: Staring Mike as the Waiter.

Second Reading: Mike & the Bots discuss Hollywood love. This skit aired just under 5 months before Kurt Cobain's suicide, and their mention of him and Courtney Love as a stable couple is eerie.

Third Reading: Crow and Tom play street thugs, Mike acts as intervener, His singing of The Youngbloods' "Get Together" is also eerie, as Kurt used it to intro "Territorial Pissings". Coincidence?

Fourth Reading: Crow and Tom create special glasses that turn Mike into Mikey. They have him look up "rime". According to dictionary.com:
1. A coating of ice, as on grass and trees, formed when extremely cold water droplets freeze almost instantly on a cold surface.
2. A coating, as of mud or slime, likened to a frosty film: “A meal couldn't leave us feeling really full unless it laid down a rime of fat globules in our mouths and stomachs”.
3. And he didn't steal no bike either!

Closing Prayer:
Hymn: "The Janitor Song":
"I'm a Janitor,
A Janitor,
I wake up early each morn,
I have a Drinking Problem,
and a large collection of porn!",
Dr. F. uses about 200 pounds of sawdust to clean up after Frank.
Dr. F.: "That's your dinner for the next month, Frank!"

Recessional: Mikey: "And he didn't steal no bike neither...I did!"

Consider This: Everybody has gone on and on about Mikey, but I'd like to focus on the "nice guy" of the movie. A guy so nice that not even the folks at imdb can remember his name. He's the one who keeps getting beat up by the thug for standing up for Betty, then his girlfriend is strangled after refusing his advances. Our hero Jimmy even goes out of the way to say "He really is a nice guy!" Poor nice guy. It's true that they really do finish last. But he's nice, so he's got that going for him.

[Note: I have not dubbed Mike "Saint Mike" yet, not because I don't feel him worthy of sainthood, but doing so may cause Saint Joel to lose his saintly luster. Is there something just below a Saint I could dub our buddy Mike? Or do any of you feel him worthy of sainthood? Let me know!]

Saturday, January 08, 2005

Today's Reading: #204 - Catalina Caper

Premiere Oration: The Thirteenth of October, Nineteenhundredninetynine

Opening Prayer: The bots say their prayers, thanking "BOB" for all the robots, even blessing Twiki after much prodding from Saint Joel.

First Reading:
Invention exchange:
Mads: "Tank Tops", TV's Frank makes his "eeen-nyuk-a-noo!" sound.
Saint Joel: The tickle bazooka. Crow laughs like Popeye.


Second Reading: Saint Joel remembers the '60s, though not as nostalgically as most:
Saint Joel: "It was not at all uncommon for your mom to make you a giant char-grilled steak while she smoked and drank a TAB, and that was just breakfast!"

Third Reading:
Hymn: "Creepy Girl", easily one of the, if not the, best hymn ever presented on the show.
Servo: "Oh,
C is for that feeling of uncertainty from not quite knowing what ethnic group you're from.
R is for the gifts you give me every time you smile, the 1st
E is for...well I don't really know, by the 2nd
E is really a grammatical thing cuz other wise it'd be "Crepy Girl", and where would that
leave us? The
P is DEFINITELY not for Platonic! And
Y? Because I LOVE YOU!"

Fourth Reading: TV's Frank has a plastic containers-not-unlike-Tupperware function. Forrester gouges his eve out with a melon baller.

Closing prayer: Saint Joel creates an artist's rendering of the film's plot. Two MSTies send a wedding invitation. Forrester eats TV's Frank's eye.

Consider this:
This was the 1st scripture that Comedy Central lost the rights to, making it quite a collector's item before its triumphant re-release through Rhino video. "BOB" bless Rhino! Saint Joel and the Bots genuinely enjoy the Little Richard song number, with Servo going so far as to say "Prince, I hope you're watching this!".

Friday, January 07, 2005

Today's Reading: #111 - Moon Zero Two

Premiere Oration: Sometime in January of Nineteenninety

Opening Prayer: Saint Joel tells us how the show works.

First Reading:
Saint Joel's Invention: Teleporting food (Saint Joel has a hard time hiding the finger that makes the milk go down, furthur proving that even saints aren't perfect.)
Mad's Invention: Celebrity mouth to mouth toothpaste (Check out Erhardt's catch phrase for the Linda Blair model: "YOUR MOTHER FLOSSES IN HELL!)

Second Reading: Saint Joel and the bots hold their dramatic recreation of the 1st moon landing. (Check out Saint Joel's JFK impression, involving a bad Cape Cod accent and holding a picture of Marilyn Monroe.)

Third Reading: Saint Joel & the Bots discuss games in space.
Crow: "Ka-Boom" would become "Don't Smoke in the Ship Cuz it's an Oxygen-Rich Atmosphere and You Could Cause an Explosion".

Fourth Reading: Crow and Tom have fallen for diffrent women in the movie, and begin to fight for their women's honor. Saint Joel decides to make it interesting, and they all fight in "zero gravity." (Which really just makes everything move in slow motion, just like the movie!)

End: The Good Thing About the Movie/Bad Thing About the Movie for a RAM Chip segment. (Gypsy gets one for saying "Richard Basehart".) Letter writer calles Servo "Sirbol".
Saint Joel: "It's an honest mistake."
Forrester compares Erhardt to Big Boy of "Bob's Big Boy" fame.

Consider this:
Did we REALLY need that James Olson shower scene? Honestly, if there is ANYONE out there who finds this guy even mildly attractive, I'd like to know! Saint Joel was EXTREMELY mellow this episode, and I'm still not 110% convinced it's cuz he was "nervous".

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Today's Reading: K17- TIME OF THE APES

Premiere Oration: The Second of April, Nineteenhundredeightynine

Opening Prayer: The Mads try to reach Saint Joel, but can only find Servo and Crow.
Erhardt: Get the Boss!
Crow: You mean Bruce Springsteen?
Erhardt: No!
Crow: Boss Tweed?
Forrester: No!
Servo: Boss Hogg?
The Mads: NO!
Servo: Bossy the Cow? [Both Crow & Servo give very convincing Moooooooos.]
Forrester has had enough, and instructs Larry to send "them robo-twits" Time of the Apes.

The First Reading: All the bots look for Saint Joel, but find only his uniform, and excuses for corny jokes.
Crow: "What's a pod bay?"
Servo: "Oh, about 20 pounds!" [followed by "wah-wah-wah-waaah!" trumpet]
Saint Joel is floating naked in space!

The Second Reading: Crow and Servo debate about letting Saint Joel back in. They decide if they DO let Saint Joel back in, things are gonna change, and discuss what will. However, they're unable open the pod bay doors due to movie sign's interruption.

The Third Reading: Cambot tricks Crow into believing that Saint Joel is back on the ship, but it's just a ruse. Servo then shows how fantasy can appear to be reality. It's weird.

Closing Prayer: Saint Joel is floating naked in space, and Crow and Servo discuss their new lives without him.

Consider This:
This is the only MST3K Reading with no humans aboard the SOL. Saint Joel was out of town, so Servo and Crow witness the scripture without him. (See how Crow sits in Saint Joel's seat.)

[Note for future reference: According to the SubGenius bylaws, puppets and fantasy characters can NOT become saints, thus no matter how much we whine and beg, we can NOT have a Saint Crow or Saint Servo. Deal with it, pink boy!]

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Greetings!

My fellow Subgenii, MST3K fans, Bowlers, and all the other Freaks and/or Geeks out there:

WELCOME!

Here at the Saint Joel Hodgson Church of MST3K, we cater to all races, creeds, colors, sexual orientations, mental deficencies, physical abnormalities, bad haircuts, smokers and non-smokers, as we all come together and realize the one thing that unites us all:
Mystery Science Theater 3000
(Mystery Science Theater 3000, MST3K, and all related materials copyrighted by Best Brains Incorporated {BBI}. This website is the design of The Rev. Joel Kazoo - AAS, and in no way represents or implies to represent the views of BBI, its shareholders, or parent companies. And if you're reading this, Joel Hodgson, it's all ajoke, you should really just relax.)

Worship services are held vicariously every Saturday at 4pm and 10pm. It's very simple to participate:
1. You MUST have a TV, VCR, and respective "scripture" tape.
2. Evbery Saturday at 4 and/or 10, pop in your chosen Scripture, have some Ovaltine and Popcorn (or whatever you wish to eat and/or drink, or nothing at all), sit back, relax, and enjoy!
3. Be Kind, Rewind (Unless there's more than one Scripture on your tape, you may wish to leave it to watch next time!)

(While people are encouraged to choose their own scriptures, it's recommended to evenly go through the various incarnations on a weekly basis, started at the beginning, ending at the end, and repeat.)

Example:
Week One: The Oldest Testamnet (K00-K21)
Week Two: The Older Testament (101-113)
Week Three: The Old Testament (201-512)
Week Four: The New Testament (513-624)
Week Five: The Newer Testament (701T-706)
Week Six: The Newest Testament (801-1013)
Week Seven: See Week One
And so on and so on.

The Saint Joel Hodgson Church of MST3K's Holy Days of Obligation:
November 24th: MST3K's Birth (Pick your favorite ep.)
The MST3K Three-Day feast of Turkey: Midnight Wednesday before Thanksgiving-6am Friday After Thanksgiving (Keep the tapes rolling throughout, in recognition of 1st Turkey Day Marathon format)
April 19th: MST3K: The Movie's Birth (Watch MST3K:TM, Midnight Mass preferred)
December 25th: Life Day (Watch Santa Claus or Santa Claus Conquers the Martians)
February 20th: Joel Hodgson's Birthday (Holiest Holy Day: Play Mystery Date and Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots. Make Creeple People. Eat green grapes. Watch The TV Wheel, if you got it, or just watch some old Joel Stand-Up tapes.)

But always remember: The Saint Joel Hodgson Church of MST3K is not about rituals and tradition. As our beloved MST3K creator mused: "It's just a show, [you] should really just relax!" As such, there is no WRONG way to celebrate your personal love of the program. Just do what you want, when you want, and wave your freak flag high!

See you next time when Mr. Bill moves into his new apartment. Bye-Bye!