The Saint Joel Hodgson Church of MST3K

A place to meet and enjoy the love that Saint Joel Hodgson and his offspring, Mystery Science Theater 3000, have brought to all of us personally. Bring your friends. Come for the eternal damnation, stay for the pie.

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Location: Graceville, Minnesota, United States

I am the founder of the Saint Joel Hodgson Church of MST3K. It is totally my own creation and does not represent the views of Joel Hodgson, Best Brains Incorporated, or anyone involved with the show in any way. We are NOT a cult. There are no loyalty oaths, secret handshakes, or virgin blood sacrifices. At NO time will I EVER ask ANY of you for money. Tape traders are more than welcome.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Today's Scripture: Apocrypha: 1992 Denver StarCon Q&A

As enjoyable as the Readings are, sometimes it's nice to check out some Apocrypha Scripture, that while not officially sanctioned scripture of The Saint Joel Hodgson Church of MST3K, are still entertaining and informative, and give us a look into the minds of the people who brought us these Scriptures. With that, we look at the 1992 Denver StarCon Q&A. (Thanks to my supplier in Michigan for the tape!)

Apocrypha Synopsis: In 1992, Saint Joel Hodgson, Trace Beaulieu, Kevin Murphy, and Jim Mallon headed to Denver StarCon for 2 Q&A sessions. My copy of this Aprocrypha scripture is of reduced quality due to its rarity, the picture jumps consistently and the sound comes in and out, but what is there is pure gold. Good Saint Joel, during the Sunday Q&A, even asks his followers if they had went to church that day! Other highlights include:

-the distribution of $1 bills to those with the best questions on Saturday.
-Saint Joel tells us WHY he hates Gallagher.
-When a woman complains that TVY doesn't carry MST3K, Saint Joel says "Of course they don't! That's a frozen yogurt chain, it'd be silly if they did!"
-Saint Joel reveales he watched a LOT of TV as a kid.
-Jim reveals some of his inluences: Monty Python, Firesign Theater, and Laugh-In(!)
-Kevin: "I used to draw a lot in my notebooks and get beat up!"
-Q: How can you stand watching these things over and over [while writing them]?
Saint Joel: It's our job!
-Saint Joel tells a kid "You're kinda a short man, aren't cha?"
-Trace reveals that Frank Conniff worked at Arby's before his indoctrination into the MST Universe. [Frank couldn't make it, but Trace lets us know he'll be in Chicago in November "Not showing up anywhere, he'll just be wandering around!]
-A guy tries to shout a question at Kevin, but Kevin makes him wait his turn!
-Saint Joel has some fun at his last name, as the StarCon programs mispell his name "Hodgeson". Saint Joel says he's more peeved when people call him "Yoel", and admits he'll often mispronounce his own name "Hodson". Kevin suggests "Hotcakes".

Consider This: Apocrypha Scriptures are fun, but are meant to enhance, not substitute, the Readings. Remember that.

Friday, December 23, 2005

Today's Reading: #521 - "Santa Claus"

Premiere Oration: Christmas Eve of Nineteenninetythree! (Happy 12th Anniversary, Scripture!)

Opening Prayer: In a caroling attempt, Mike inadvertantly burns Crow with scalding hot cocoa. (Crow's eyes fall out of his head and land PERECTLY on the bride deck!)

First Reading: Present time on the SOL and Deep 13! TV's Frank shaves his head and buys Dr F. a watch fob. (He didn't sell his hair, he just shaved it for some reason.) Mike gives Crow a Steve Alaimo album [You may remember him as the Superwimp "hero"/singer from Scripture #207 - "WIld Rebels"], Crow gives Servo the 1991 Drug IV Handbook, which Servo LOVES (WHY?), Gypsy knitted Mike a "Joike" sweater, Servo gave Gypsy some underwear in a candy cane, and of course, Crow got Servo a dreidel!

Second Reading: Rock band Santa Klaws performs "Whispering Christmas Warrior". Nice flashpots.

Third Reading: The bots arrange a Nelson family reunion. It's A Nelson, but not THE Nelsons. Love the Motley Crue T-Shirt.

Fourth Reading: It's the all-inclusive politically correct holiday song: "Merry Christmas...If That's Okay". [I stole this song for a 9th grade holiday poem writing assignment, got an A. I'm sorry, BBI!]

Closing Prayer: A Christmas miracle! Snow outside the SOL! Pitch pays a visit to Deep 13 (LEading to Mike Nelson's favorite MST3K line "More pie, Man-Goat?), then Santa shows up, and he and Pitch fight! (The line "I came to eat candy canes and kick ass! And I'm all out of candy canes!" Is an altered lift of the Roddy Piper line "I came to kick some ass and chew some gum, and I'm all out of gum!" from "They Live".)

Recessional: Creepy laughing wind-up reindeer creep us all out!

Consider This: For whatever reason, this IS my favorite MST Scripture of all time. I can watch it again and again, even in the middle of July! The movie itself is just insane enough to work on its own merits, and Mike and the Bots offer great riffs with almost no klunkers. Merry Christmas, everyone!

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Today's Reading: #501 - "Warrior of the Lost World"

Premiere Oration: The twentyfourth of July, nineteenhundredninetythree

Opening Prayer: Servo's dons a tux and prepares to give a formal welcome, but Oh, that wacky Crow! He steals bits of Servo's speech and keeps distracting Tom. Tom flips, and makes Crow literally eat his speech.

First Reading:
Invention exchange:
The Mads: The square master, an exerciser that harnesses the power of the square! Nice push-ups, Frank!
Saint Joel: Bittersweet hearts, with such sentiments as: "Still Mad" "You'll Do" "Bite Me" "My Needs" and "It's Blue"!

Second Reading: Hot slot bots! Crow's having a ball, but Servo's car just won't go. Servo's car suddenly starts, but he bails out on the jump. Too bad, he really wanted to go 400 square miles and hour!

Third Reading: Saint Joel is "The Paper Chase Guy", trying to get his driving permit in a post-apocalyptic world. Servo's your piano man and Dickey, Crow's the Mom, and Gypsy's wondering where Saint Joel's super-charged cycle is. It all just kinda stops, and in the theater, they all agree they should've wrote an ending.

Fourth Reading: Saint Joel and the Bots discuss what they'd do after the apocalypse. Featuring my favorite Saint Joel line EVER:

Saint Joel: I'd walk around totally naked, holding a "BIG GULP" Terminator 2 glass!
Crow: I could see ya doin' that!

Closing Prayer: Phone call from Megaweapon, a letter write had Hy-Vee make an MST-themed cake for his borther, Tom sings the address, and the Mads go square dancing.

Stinger: The Paper Chase Guy eyeballs Persis Khambatta.

Consider This: Another one of my favorite readings. A great movie for Saint Joel and the Bots, its got lots of cheezy action, special effects, and cornball dialog just ripe for riffing. This one also features the infamous movie sequence where Servo riffs on EVERY SINGLE PERSON sitting in the rafters. Rights issues will probably keep this one from ever getting a Rhino release, and that's a damn shame!

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Today's Reading: #212 - "Godzilla vs Megalon"

Premiere Oration: The Nineteethn of January, Nineteenhundredninetyone

Opening Prayer: Saint Joel & the bots host a morning magazine show....NOT! (Saint Joel actually took some time out between the KTMA and Comedy Channel eras to co-host a mock-morning show called "Seriously Weird". Worth tracking down!)

First Reading: Invention exchange: Saint Joel and the Mads present easy-to-make Halloween costumes. Crow's the floor of a movie theater, Tom's a Missing Child, and Saint Joel is Jiffy-Pop Popcorn (Saint Joel showed us how to make these on "Seriously Weird", as well. For years, I remember seeing someone do those before, and now I remember where!) Dr F is a goalie on a foosball table, and TV's Frank is Geordi LaForge.

TV's Frank: Kids, don't forget to read "Godzilla vs. the Velveteen Rabbit"!

Second Reading: To distract Saint Joel from the fact they're looking at dirty pictures, Crow and Tom claim they're designing monsters. Tom's monster wins, but I've always liked that Crow's monster had an elf living in its head.

Third Reading: Saint Joel and the Bots present: "Rex Dart, Eskimo Spy." [A Quinn Martin Production?]

Fourth Reading: Orville Popcorn and Son are in a popcorn commercial that quickly delves into personal attacks and hurt feelings. Director Saint Joel reminds them its only 30 seconds long and they really should mention the product more.

Closing Prayer: Saint Joel gives Crow and Tom new arms, the Jet Jaguar fight song is translated, and Frank's pissed cuz the Goomba killed his Mario.

Recessional: Godzilla takes to the ocean like a teenager.

Consider This:
This was the first Scripture Reading I ever saw, and it remains one of my favorites. Great riffing, hilarious Readings, it imparted in my head "This is a show I'm going to like." And I still do.

Friday, December 02, 2005

Today's Reading: #102 - "The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy" {with the epistle "Commando Cody & the Radar Men From the Moon--Episode 1"}

Premiere Oration: Sometime in December of Nineteeneightynine.

Opening Prayer: Invention exchange: Saint Joel:The airbag helmet (Lifted directly from Saint Joel's Stage Sermons) The Mads: The chalkman, a record player with a human hand with real human fingernails that scratches on a real chalkboard [Side "B" works the best.] Dr. F also has Larry test Deep 13's new security system, one of those logs on ropes that bean the fellow in the noggin. Dr. F gets a bump of it, as well.

First Reading: Demon dogs attack! Tom takes them on, but the beings simply "disgrace themselves" upon him. Apparently, Demon Dogs expel their wastes like silly string. It also doesn't help that Saint Joel admits he modeled Tom after a fire hydrant.

Second Reading: Enoch, the demon dog king, (voiced by Jim Mallon, who's barely comprehensible over all the noise the puppet's mouth makes) tries to tell Saint Joel how to expel the demon dogs from the ship, but before he can, Gypsy eats him [A Saint Joel follower would bring this up years later in an epistle read in Scripture #311 - "It Conquered the World" (with the epistle "Snow Thrills")].

Third Reading: Crow's attempt to impersonate Enoch results in more silly string waste expulsion.

Closing Prayer: Joel's tricks the demon dogs off the ship by throwing a ball-shaped piece of space equipment. But as Tom points out "Doesn't fetch mean go get...and BRING BACK!?" For reasons unexplained, the Mads' heads are wrapped in bandages. [This is the sort of physical nonsequiter that "BOB!" finds most enjoyable!]

Consider This: The "demon dogs" in this Scripture were made out of a "Masters of the Universe" toy called "Battle Bones," painted red and black with construction paper ears. The Battle Bones toy itself was used to store your He-Man figures by snapping their necks into the round tabs in the ribcage. VERY lucky MSTies from back in the day had the chance to BUY their very own Demon Dog for a cool 25 bucks! This scripture is also historic as Mike Nelson revealed years later that it was the first and only time they were forced to take Tequila shots to make their way through the writing of the riffs. This may explain a set of jokes that broke the show's convention and in one case, good taste factor. One featured Saint Joel holding his hand up to the mouth of a singing lady, resulting in the soundtrack being repressed. The other..well there's no nice way to say it.. featured the sound of men urinating during a shot of a group of men with their backs to the camera. They even included the sounds of flies being zipped up afterward! All in all, a show with amusing Readings and less-than-stellar riffing, but dammit, at least they *TRIED*!

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Today's Reading: #K09 - "Phase IV"

Premiere Oration: The Fifteenth of January, Nineteenhundredeightynine

Opening Prayer: The Mads sell Saint Joel's car to go towards the $30,000 they need to continue their experiments. If only they had asked Saint Joel first!

Saint Joel: I have $30,000!
The Mads: WHERE?
Saint Joel: In my *CAR*!

The Mads, insecure fellows they are, punish Saint Joel for their own folly by sending him "the ANT movie!"

First Reading: Saint Joel has Servo and Crow repeat to him Isaac Asimov's robotic laws. The Bots make up some robotic laws of their own.

Servo: "Never hollow out a robot and make a fort out of him."
[And for the record "Give a Hoot, Don't Pollute" is NOT one of Mr. Asimov's robotic laws. Saint Joel put it best when he describes Isaac as "A really Great... no make that really PROLIFIC writer!"]

Second Reading: Saint Joel &The Bots share with each other the first thing each of them plan to do when they get back to Earth.

Crow: "I'm going to kill Sandy Frank."
Servo: "Well, that's a given."

Saint Joel plans to turn off the water faucet that he left running at his apartment. [Another example of how Saints aren't perfect!]

Third Reading: The crew of the SoL enjoy a game of "I Spy."

Crow: I spy with my little eye something that begins with "B".
Saint Joel: The Bridge?
Crow: Nooooooo....
Saint Joel: I give up!
Crow: Barnacles!..Space...Barnacles...clinging to the outside of the ship!
Saint Joel: Crow, I *TOLD* you! NO X-ray vision!

The crew bores of this quickly, so they inexplicably go into a performance of "Wipeout." Since he's the only one with working arms, Saint Joel takes the drum solo. Gotta love Servo's high-pitched "meh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh! Nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh!" onomatopoeia.

Closing Prayer: Saint Joel programs Crow and Gypsy to recite a new robotic law.

Crow & Gypsy: Don't be surprised if somewhere, somehow, when you least expect it, someone walks up to you and says...Don't be surprised if somewhere, somehow, when you least expect it, someone walks up to you and says...Don't be surprised if somewhere...

The credit roll cuts them off. [Reminds me of Lamb Chop's "The Song That Never Ends"]

Consider This: This is the first non-Gamera Scripture since Scripture K03. Some theater clips from this Scripture were included on the pitch tape to the Comedy Channel.

Crow: Looks kinda skinny, must be a Carpenter Ant!
Servo: Ant-orexic!

Servo: They're trying to find a picnic! You know, ants can carry entire watermelons! And great BIG chicken legs!....It happened on "The Flintstones".
Crow: I had a chicken leg once!...I had to wear corrective shoes!

[The ants are carrying the Queen ant's maggots to safety.]
Crow: Hope nobody's eating rice at this point!

Now's as good a time as any to share the story of how Crow became Crow. In an interview, Saint Joel said at college, he had a Native American roommate with the surname of "Crow", and Crow T. Robot was meant to be the exemplification of the free-thinking, smart-aleck spirit of his roommate. Pretty Neat, eh?

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Today's Reading: #810 - "The Giant Spider Invasion"

Premiere Oration: The Thirty-first of May, Nineteenhundredandninetyseven

Opening Prayer: Tom's a cheerleader! He wants an "S", but Mike and Crow only offer MRxL
Tom: "O the Sattelite of Love has got
Have you got as much (ugh-ugh-ugh-ugh!)
MRxL as us?
I Don't Think So!
We got the MRxL and you got none! (uh-huh-huh!)
We got the MRxL and you got none!

First Reading: On the Campiong Planet, Pearl and Brain Guy are gutting some fish. Meanwhile, Tom has a canoe on his head and keeps braining Mike and Crow ("Sister Canoe-Head" by The Frantics comes to mind) Pearl and Brain Guy share with the SOL "a kind of throw pillow that can be used as a zucchini".

Second Reading: Gypsy, possessed by the power of the zucchini throw pillows, tries to get Mike and the Bots to sleep, but Mike is suspicious.

Gypsy (singing a lullaby): May the avenging superconsciousness swallow you whole.
Mike: What kind of lullaby is this?
Tom: Maybe we forgot her birthday or something!

Third Reading: Mike and the bots try to stay awake to keep the zucchini throw pillows from stealing their souls. Mike and Tom stick with coffee, but Crow goes all out, with Mountain Dew, Surge, M&Ms, chocolate-covered coffee beans, NO-Doz, Vivarin, and a myriad of other stay-up aids. Back on the camping planet, Bobo refuses to see that there's trechary afoot.

Host segment 3: A Pod-Servo invades the ship, and has Mike and Co convinced, until he's asked about his underwear collection. Real Servo immediately sends the Pod running away screaming, as he lists his collection by size, style, and brand (no duplicates, I might add).

CLosing Prayer: After a pep talk by Mike, Bobo destroys the mother pod and saves the day. but since Pearl was under the pods' spell, she makes Mike and the Bots watch the movie AGAIN!

Recessional: White Trash Northern Wisconsinite gives us a raspberry.

Consider This: Bill Rebane gives us another bad film. But I must admit the fact that he's able to convince people again and again to give his money to make his movies in the middle of nowhere almost admirable. I said "almost", mind you!

[Note: Sorry about the LONG delay between updates! With no access to a computer, then access, but no way to access the site, stuff like this happens. I'll try my dangedest to get back to daily updates, but don't hold your breath.]